If you have not already done so, please read Blog Posts 1 through 5 that describe how sleep is important and beneficial. I will post specific information for parents and children based on my book, “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” Please do not be put off by my book’s length. This is a reference book. Read only the topic of interest to you.
There are two books from the American Academy of Pediatrics that contain the same exact paragraph (Blog Post 227):
“It’s important to keep in mind that there are times when you may need to let your baby cry himself to sleep; it won’t cause any harm and there’s no need to worry about the possible messages behind those tears. Remember, you have all day to show your infant how much you love him and care for him. At night, he’ll get the message that nighttime is for sleeping and on those nights when you let him cry, you’re helping him learn to soothe himself. He won’t be thinking that you’re abandoning him or that you don’t love him anymore; he knows by your daytime behaviors that this isn’t the case at all. In other words, there’s no need to worry.”
Question: Why do some parents reject this point of view?
A 2025 report explains “…as long as the cries are interpreted as a threat to the child’s well-being, the parent will continue to actively intervene…If the parent understands that allowing their child to cry [message] changes from “You are totally dependent on me for falling asleep” to “We are here to protect and reassure you, but we expect you to fall asleep by yourself” can help the child learn to self-soothe, the nighttime context is less likely to evoke parental feelings of abandonment anxiety but rather be seen as an opportunity for the child to learn autonomy….Similarly, parents accepting their frustration and anxiety in service of the value of being a good parent, one who adjusts attachment to the child’s age by providing appropriate limits, will counter the irresistible need to regulate their anxiety. To improve adherence, parents should be informed that behavioral methods [Extinction and Graduated Extinction] do not have a negative impact on emotional functioning and attachment.”
Blog Post 205 describes methods for parents to increase their ability to delay their response (how to increase their cry tolerance) and Blog Post 226D describes how ‘Let Cry’ is effective and safe, even for young infants.
What This Means for You
If you have ever stood outside your baby’s door at night, heart pounding, every instinct pulling you back into that room — you are not doing anything wrong. You are doing exactly what loving parents do. The pull to respond to your baby’s cry is not a weakness or a failure of resolve. It is one of the most powerful protective instincts in human biology, and it deserves to be understood, not dismissed.
What the research is telling us — gently but clearly — is that the meaning we assign to nighttime crying shapes everything about how we respond to it. When a baby’s cry at night feels like a signal that something is wrong, that your child is frightened or abandoned or in danger, it is nearly impossible not to go in. Of course it is. That interpretation triggers an alarm in every loving parent, and alarms demand a response.
But what if the cry means something different? What if it means: my child is learning something hard and important right now — how to settle, how to trust that the night is safe, how to find their own way back to sleep? That is not abandonment. That is one of the earliest and most valuable lessons a child can learn, and you are the one making it possible by holding steady.
This reframing is not about convincing yourself to feel nothing. It is about recognizing that your anxiety in that moment — real and understandable as it is — does not necessarily reflect what is actually happening for your child. Decades of research, and now the explicit guidance of the American Academy of Pediatrics across multiple editions, are consistent on this point: allowing a baby to cry while learning to self-soothe does not harm the child, does not damage the bond between you, and does not teach your baby that you are unavailable or unloving. Your baby knows who you are from everything that happens between the two of you all day long. One night of learning does not erase that.
You are not choosing between being a loving parent and helping your child sleep. You are doing both at once — and the courage it takes to hold that line, even when it is hard, is itself an act of love.
