If you have not already done so, please read Blog Posts 1 through 5 that describe how sleep is important and beneficial. I will post specific information for parents and children based on my book, “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” Please do not be put off by my book’s length. This is a reference book. Read only the topic of interest to you.
Sleep Rules work best when paired with silent return to sleep.
Silent return to sleep means exactly what it says: if your child leaves her room, you gently pick her up and return her to bed. Every time. Without conversation, without explanation, without emotion.
Place a bell on the doorknob so you know immediately when she is leaving her room. The bell serves two purposes: it alerts you, and it makes the child aware of what she is doing in real time.
Why Silence Matters
When you return your child to bed, be bland and silent. Not sweet. Not stern. Mechanical.
Many parents do not fully appreciate why silence is essential. If you explain — even calmly — why everyone needs sleep, the verbal attention itself reinforces the behavior you are trying to eliminate. Your child got out of bed, and something interesting happened: a parent came, spoke, engaged. Negative attention — even frustration or raised voices — is still attention, and it will encourage the behavior to continue and intensify.
Remove the social interaction entirely, and there is nothing to reinforce the getting-out-of-bed habit. The behavior has no payoff. It stops.
If your child has the habit of leaving the room, after you recite the Sleep Rules, tell your child: “I love you very much, but you need your sleep and I need my sleep, and if you leave your room, I am not going to start a conversation with you.”
Then keep that commitment, silently, every time.
What to Expect
Plan to be occupied for the first two nights. Your child may try many, many times to return to the old pattern. Parents may want to alternate nights so that at least one parent gets some sleep. Do not take turns on the same night — the child may believe one parent will behave differently from the other, and will test that hypothesis.
Nicole’s parents kept a record when they implemented this approach for their 26-month-old daughter, who had spent 26 months sleeping poorly and getting into their bed every night:
That’s it. Three nights.
An important observation from Nicole’s case: almost all of the getting-out-of-bed occurred within the first hour or two of the night. This is typical. Sitting near your child’s room for an hour or so at bedtime for the first three to four nights is usually sufficient. You will not necessarily lose a full night of sleep during the training period.
After the third night, the curtain calls at bedtime ceased. Her parents also noted that at naptime her mother could now leave after fifteen to twenty minutes of reading — whereas before, she had remained in the room until Nicole fell asleep. Nicole became easier in many ways: less resistant when dressing, less argumentative, more charming, and more able to play by herself.
When Problems Resurface
Once you have established success with Sleep Rules and Silent Return to Sleep, you may encounter what is sometimes called a response burst — a sudden return of the old behavior. This is not a sign that you are back to square one. It is either your child testing whether the rules still apply, or a reflection of some slippage in consistency on the parents’ side. Stay the course. Return to full consistency. The problem will usually subside quickly.
Keeping a sleep log during the training period will strengthen your resolve when you are frustrated by many curtain calls. Progress that is hard to feel in the moment becomes visible when written down.
Wonderful! Thank you Dr. Weissbluth!