If you have not already done so, please read Blog Posts 1 through 5 that describe how sleep is important and beneficial. I will post specific information for parents and children based on my book, “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” Please do not be put off by my book’s length. This is a reference book. Read only the topic of interest to you.
Previous reports from Sleep Researchers/Mothers from Germany (Blog Post 60) and Spain/Finland/England (Blog Post 61 and 197) illustrate challenges posed by different cultures.
The road to understanding the importance of sleep, self-soothing and early bedtimes
Rúna Sif Stefánsdóttir: In late 2017 I began my PhD journey as a sleep and health researcher. We were mainly exploring how adolescents in Iceland slept at age 15 and then again at 17 and looking at associations with sleep, school schedules and cognitive performance. About a year later I was pregnant with my first child and even though I did hear stories of tired moms, I never really thought about how the little one would change my perspective on sleep.
Elísabet Erla was born on Valentine’s day in 2019 and I went into labor late, meaning that she was born early morning. That night me and my husband took her home and from then on, sleep became a distant memory. She did sleep decently in the beginning, but I was breastfeeding, and she woke up every 2 hours and drank. This of course meant little to no sleep for me, but she was thriving, and we were adjusting this change in our life. Around week 3 or 4 she started becoming very fussy around early evening and few days later we realized she had colic (Blog Posts 43 and 44). She started crying around 3pm, drank a lot and cried until 11pm usually when she was just too exhausted to continue. She slept in the beginning of the night but was still waking up every 2-3 hours to drink so these 4-6 weeks were the hardest I have ever experienced.
Early spring, or when Elísabet was about 3 months things started settling in better, no more colic and we realized she was intolerant for milk so we adjusted my eating habits and she slept slightly better. She still woke up at least 3 times a night to drink and after the stomach problems, colic and newborn phase I was probably slightly overprotected and thus I would sit with her when she was falling asleep. I would also walk a lot with her in the stroller and she slept well outside during the day. My husband, Pablo, is a professional soccer player here in Iceland, so I took most nights (and she was only getting breastmilk, no formula), so it was long nights for me. In the morning we would try and switch in order to give me little more sleep. In hindsight around 4-6 months when we moved her to her own room (close to ours) it probably would have a great time to sleep train and adjust to a better routine, but I think maybe I was just too tired to deal with it. Having her fall asleep on the breast or holding her was just easier and in life we sometime do the easier thing.
Now moving few years forward Elísabet is three years old and still struggles with her sleep. We think that she mainly struggles with staying asleep and soothing herself back to sleep. This is probably a learned behavior from when she was an infant and we gave her a lot of service. She sleeps in her own bed, but she wakes up often, she comes over to our bed almost every night and it is rather hard to put her to sleep in the evening. Elísabet has also had many ear infections which we think have hurt during the night and thus she doesn´t sleep well. After recommendation from Dr. Weissbluth we started putting her bedtime earlier and looking after the drowsy signs. The earlier bedtime was a challenge since we live in Iceland where the bedtime culture is quite late and overall, Icelanders sleep little. We were usually starting her bedtime routine around 8pm in the evening and she was falling asleep around 8:30. We did not think it was late since most of my friends have a lot later bedtimes for their kids. My husband´s work is also in the afternoon and evening so in order for him to have dinner and a quiet time with us we could not shift earlier. However, this winter we got pregnant and are expecting our second child and thus we realized that Elísabet needed to start sleeping through the night and in her bed. About a month ago, following Dr. Weissbluth’s recommendation, I decided to shift and have dinner at 6pm and getting her ready for bed at 7pm instead of 8pm. This also meant that late swim pool dates, dinner with my parents and late playdates were out of the picture. It was a challenge for me to finish dinner, clean up, playtime, bathe and everything before 7pm but with time it has gotten easier and now we prioritize our afternoon so that Elísabet can be in her room, ready for quite time at 7pm, latest 7:15pm. I think that Pablo understands the value of good sleep and since he also wants to sleep well in order to do well in his profession, he was supportive of the earlier bedtime. Instead, he wakes up in the morning with her and spends time with her before kindergarten.
After just few days I saw that her mood changes, she was less tired after kindergarten, she was playing more independently, and the early evenings were smoother. She also ate better, and her mood was overall just better. Now, I am not going to lie and say that everything is smooth these days. There are some days that go better than other, we still go over to my parents for dinner and sometimes we miss the window, and she gets moody and tired, but the days are fewer, and her sleep is better overall. She still comes over early morning (she usually wakes up around 6/7) and there are nights when she comes into our room at 3am but again, these nights are fewer. In general, we have noticed good changes is her mood and behavior and that is why we are going to maintain this early bedtime.
Elísabet´s sleeping improvements have helped the structure of the home and I think it also helped Pablo and me to go to sleep little earlier and have more quiet time in the evenings for ourself and our marriage. It has helped that we both understand and value the aspect of sleeping well and we are willing to work for it. However, we were missing the tools and techniques and reading the book and trying earlier bedtimes has really helped us gain more knowledge and confidence. We have also realized that we can never deal with everything in life but being prepared and ready to adjust when needed is important and we will take that with us into consideration when our second daughter is born this summer.
With the new baby we will start implementing the methods from the book earlier. I am going to look for drowsy signs (something that I had not thought about with Elísabet). We will also try and help the baby self-sooth and I will put her down sleepy but not too tired. Again, this is also easy to plan and think about now, but I know once I am exhausted it will be harder to maintain. However, I did not have your book last time and this time we also have more experience (both good and bad).
What we have learned the last few weeks:
About one year later.
Elisabet: After helping your child sleep better, what to expect.
As you know, we had our second daughter early July and let´s just say that it has been quite challenging the last few months. I never thought I would get such a different baby and I had more tools then with Elísabet but somehow, I have forgotten everything, and sleep is a real challenge these days. Here is a short narrative regarding Elísabet.
Elísabet is now almost four years old and has been going through many changes, becoming a big sister is the largest one. She is taking the role well and adores her little sister. This whole year, since talking to Dr. Weissbluth earlier in the year we have focused and paid more attention to the sleepy cues. We realized that Elísabet usually gets cranky and impossible around 6 pm but we have also noticed that when she is allowed to watch some cartoons her sleepy cues go away, and we sometimes miss the window to put her down smoothly. We have arranged to move dinner a little earlier so we usually eat around 6pm in order to start the bedtime routine around 6:30 and have her in bed, ready for sleep, 7pm the latest. Those nights when this all falls into place Elísabet sleeps from 7pm to 7am no issues. Now with a newborn this was a lot harder to maintain and the endless summer sun in Iceland did not help (we see a big change now that it is darker – it is easier to maintain good sleep hygiene).
As with the midnight sun during summer we have some social issues with this early sleep schedule. My parents have gotten better and now eat earlier with us which is a great development. However, many activities such with friends and family are still late in the evening and we find it hard to juggle them with being home early enough for sleep. We have not had any major setbacks with this routine, and we can see that Elísabet wants to go to bed early, she feels better and is more rested so she doesn´t fight us. However, when we struggle with this it is because of us, the parents. We are maybe late with dinner or take her to the pool late. It is a real challenge to be able to finish everything and get dinner ready before 6 so the biggest struggle is that we need to rearrange our lives in order for her to go to sleep early and get the rest she needs.
I think the biggest advice I would give to other parents is that it is worth it. The mornings she sleeps longer are the ones when she goes to bed earlier and she wakes up so much fresher, in better mood and just more balanced. The “sacrifices” of social things or activities just aren´t worth the 6am wakeup call or screaming because she is too tired.
