If you have not already done so, please read Blog Posts 1 through 5 that describe how sleep is important and beneficial. I will post specific information for parents and children based on my book, “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.” Please do not be put off by my book’s length. This is a reference book. Read only the topic of interest to you.
All the items listed below in “WHAT A PARENT CAN DO” contribute to the prevention of sleep problems developing in the first place; the earlier you start, the more likely your success. All of the items listed below in “WHAT A PARENT CAN DO” also contribute to the treatment of sleep problems, but they might not be sufficient. Specific family circumstances (Blog Posts 14 and 17) and individual differences in babies (Blog Post 20) might make this difficult to accomplish and a sleep problem (difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, bedtime resistance) might develop in your child.
Two safe and effective treatment strategies that do not involve letting your child cry are ‘Fading’ and ‘Check and Console’ (Blog post 19).
Two safe (Blog Post 21) and effective treatment strategies that do involve letting your child cry are ‘Graduated Extinction’ and ‘Extinction’ (Blog 22).
Because of differences in specific family circumstances and individual differences among babies, it is difficult to give specific advice regarding which method best suits a particular family (Blog Post 21). Nevertheless, here are some general observations that might help you:
Here are the published facts about the different methods:
Neither Graduated Extinction nor Extinction will work if:
Real life events will occasionally disrupt your child’s sleep and a sleep debt might occur. A reset is an extremely early bedtime (for example, 5:30 PM) that is strictly enforced for one night only. A reset might be needed just a few times a year or more often, depending on the specific circumstances of the family (Blog Posts 14 and 20).
My observation is that families who choose Graduated Extinction or Extinction are more able or willing to do resets when needed so that the child continues to maintain healthy sleep habits. The reason(s) for this might be because of the parental factors (Blog Posts 17 and 18) that originally allowed them to choose these methods and/or the rapid success they experienced when they originally tried these methods gave them confidence that allowing crying again, for one night, would not harm their child. In contrast, families who choose Fading appear to be less likely to employ resets and thus, they are buffeted by periods of healthy sleep habits interrupted by periods of struggling with unhealthy sleep.
Hello Dr. Weissbluth, I have read your book and have been implementing early bedtimes and various other tips from your writing with my now 6-month-old son for the last 2 months. Unfortunately, his sleep appears to be deteriorating and I’m at a loss for what to do anymore. He does have a cold right now but sleep was getting worse even prior to being sick. He may wake at 5am and poop, or be up for 2-3 hours at night, gassy or just babbling. I have tried gentle and hypoallergenic formula, thinking it’s a digestive issue, but ultimately that doesn’t seem to make a huge difference. He was given breastmilk for 5 months in combo with formula, now formula only. He is in the 90th percentile for weight and height, sitting up already, and crawling for the last two weeks.
To continue above comment…his daily schedule looks something like this:
5:30-6 often up because he poops himself
First nap: 8:45-9am- occasionally I have to take him with me for school drop off so he sleeps in the car. This nap is often less than an hour.
Nap 2: starts around 12, now usually his longest nap at 1-2 hours.
If second nap is longer, I can’t fit in a third catnap anymore and try to get him down early at 630 for bedtime. If he gets a third catnap, he has a 730 bedtime.
He is currently sick with a cold so it’s hard to say how much of that is contributing. Sometimes at night he is up from 1030/11 to 1am either crying or babbling. Then he may wake again around 3 and be up for the day by 6 after pooping at 530. During the day he can protest a lot and loudly when set down to play independently in the evening hours yet other times he is ok.
Please clarify, is this description “During the day he can protest a lot and loudly when set down to play independently in the evening hours yet other times he is ok.” in general or only now because he has a cold?
What time does your husband usually come home from work?
What time do you usually have a family dinner?
In general he can do this not just right now. My husband is home between 530-6 and dinner is usually at 6 but sometimes my toddler and I will eat sooner than my husband.
The inability to play independently (no screens or parental interaction) tells you that his sleep tank is going towards empty near the end of the day.
“his sleep appears to be deteriorating” tells you that he is suffering from cumulative sleepiness.Please read and have your husband read Blog Posts 84-86.
“my now 6-month-old son for the last 2 months. Unfortunately, his sleep appears to be deteriorating” Probably the most common sleep issue in child #2 is that after 6 weeks of age, child #1 distracts parents from noticing and implementing an earlier bedtime for child #1.
My advice is to implement a strict 5:30 expected falling asleep time (you have done all the bathing, feeding, soothing, lights are out and you are leaving the room at 5:30pm) on Saturday when your husband is home to help with your older child. If the current cold is present and mild, I would still try it but end the attempt if their is any crying. If the current cold is present and medium or major, wait until it passes. Do not attempt this if your husband is not supportive.
Let me know your thoughts.
Ok, is there a certain amount of time I should leave between the last nap and the 5:30 bedtime? Or just do it no matter what time he wakes from last nap? Today he woke at 3pm from last nap.
Thank you! I am fine doing it tonight and husband is fine with it as well.
I suggest that you do not let a nap begin after 3pm. If he is asleep at 3pm from a nap that started earlier, let him sleep.
If his cold worsens, please do not continue.
If his cold does not worsen, please do not start unless you can commit for at least 3-5 nights.
Please keep a detailed written sleep log for night and day sleep.
Let me know how it goes.
Hi Dr Weissnluth,
I have been practicing your method with my now 12 week old since he was about 2 weeks old. Bathtime at 530pm and feed/bedtime shortly there after around 6pm. He goes down seamlessly, falls asleep around 20 minutes after being put down awake with no issues. However, he is still struggling to sleep through the night. He will wake up at around 12/1am and I feed him a small bottle and then again at 330/430am. And then back up sometimes at 530am and 630am for the day. Once or twice he slept through to 430am for one feeding.
At this age should I ignore the night wakings? Is he eating out of habit? Im not sure how to get him to sleep through the night. Once I feed him he goes right down no issues.
He also fights his naps like crazy. I try to get him down for a 9am religiously and an afternoon and late afternoon one, all are faught with tears until picked up out of the basinet.
Please help!
What was his gestational age at birth?
The night feedings appear to be age-appropriate. With the early bedtime. you are on a great sleep path!
For now, please try to nap your son based on drowsy signs with very short intervals of wakefulness; ignore clock time. Over the next few months, you will see more of a pattern of naps and clock time (mid-morning and midday) will become more apparent.
Does this help?
Thank you! This is helpful and makes me feel much better. He was born on his due date. I will focus on drowsy signs for the time being for his naps.
Blog Post 52 will also help.
Hello Dr. Weissbluth! My son will be 7 months next week. We are in a difficult sleep situation and would like to try Extinction method this week.
My son’s current schedule:
8.00 am: wake up
10.30: nap #1 in the stationary pram on the balcony for 1.5 hours
12.00: wake up time
14.30: nap #2 in the stationary pram on the balcony for 1-1.5 hours
15.30-16.00: wake up
18.30-19.00: nap #3
21.30-22.00: bed time
he has been sleeping in the snuzpod next to our bed in our room with 1-4 wake up at night+ 1 feeding. Since 4 Jan we took out his arms out of the sleep sack and his sleep just drastically deteriorated – he wakes himself up constantly – every 45 mins or so. I gave in and started co-sleeping with numerous snooze feeds as I was ill myself and could not wake up so many times at night. Now that I am recovering we are determined to do the Extinction method. We have just bought a crib for him and he will be in his separate room.
two questions, please:
1. Should we change his bedtime from current one? if yes, how would a schedule of naps look like then?
2. Should we keep 1 feed at night?
thank you very much in advance!
Please read Blog Post 138 and the ‘Parents’ Reports’ on extinction on my website and the section on extinction in my book. Also, please describe his mood and behavior during the 60 minutes before his bedtime at night when he is alone with toys (no screens or parental involvement). Then, I will be able to advise you regarding changing his bedtime.
I am very grateful for you replying to my post. Thank you very much! will read suggested materials.
Before bedtime it is a mixed bag: he can be quite calm or get fussy (30% of the evenings calm: 70% fussy) in the last 60 mins. it really depends on the day but I cannot honestly clearly single out the main factor. We start wind down routine 30-40 mins before the bedtime – bottle, pjs, bedtime story, walking around with him in our arms, breastfeeding and then he usually settles at breastfeeding. Previously I didn’t have to breastfeed to sleep but now I have to over the last couple of weeks.
we have been rather regimented with the schedule with 2.5/3 hour awake windows and naps and it was almost Ok. since recently night sleep is very bad (for us primarily) and daytime naps are fine in the pram. During the day he is still a happy curious good natured boy.
At 6 months of age, 84% of children take 2 naps and 91% at 9 months of age. Your child is 7 months old and to be successful with extinction now, I think that you have to do the following:
1. Only a mid morning and a mid-day nap. No 3rd nap. Do whatever works to maximize day sleep.
2. 70% of the time he is fussy before bedtime because of pre-sleep arousal. The current bedtime is too late, even with 3 naps. With only 2 naps, for the next 3-5 nights, his expected falling asleep time is 5:30pm (you have already bathed, fed, soothed, put him down drowsy but awake (hopefully), and are leaving the room, lights out at 5:30pm).
3. Commit to 3-5 nights of extinction or do not start it.
4. Once at night, but only once, if you think that he is hungry, feed him.
5. Read the section in my book, the ‘5:30pm rut’ to prepare for a possible complication.
How does this sound?
Thank you very much for your detailed guidance. We are very committed and ready to start end of this week. All is clear, just a couple of clarifying questions please:
1. Is my understanding correct that for 5.30 pm bedtime his last nap should end by lets say 3.30 pm?
2. Diaper change at feeding time only unless clearly soiled, correct?
3. After hopefully successful implementation of the method what would be your recommended regular bedtime for a 2-nap schedule?
Thank you very much!
1. No new nap starts after 3pm. At 3pm if he is asleep from an earlier-onset nap, let him sleep. Do not wake him. Still, the bedtime will be 5:30pm.
2. Yes.
3. Depends on drowsy signs between 4-5pm which depends on timing and duration of naps which will be associated with the wake-up time initially.
Please let me know how it goes.
Thank you very much! Will do!
Hello Dr. Weissbluth!
I would like to report back on our progress. We are on the verge of incredible improvement of the quality of life and sleep of the whole family!
We have done 5 nights of extinction and the change to our sleep has been incredible! we have put our 7-month son to bed at around 5.30 pm in his room in his new cot bed for the last five days. It did feel that the last wake window for him was too short but we still put him down at 5.30 pm. We did extinction and were disciplined not to go into his room. 1st night: 1hour 40 mins of crying, 2nd night: 1hour 31 mins, 3rd night: 1 hour 51 mins, 4th night: 1 hour, 5th night: 45 mins. Days 1-4 were on sufficient daytime sleep of 2.5-3 hours ( total for 2 naps), Day 5 was short on sleep: 2 naps of 45 mins each. During all nights our son didn’t cry and properly woke up and whimpered for food only between 4 and 5 am. this means he slept on his own for 9-10 hours of continued sleep (as opposed to 45-90 mins stretches of sleep before when i was co-sleeping with him out of exhaustion)! At 4-5 am my husband fed him and changed him and promptly left the room. Unbelievably our son fell asleep after the feed in matter of minutes on all five nights! He would then sleep until 7-7.30 am and wake up a happy calm boy. Previously after restless nights with waking up every 0.5-1.5 hours he would always wake up crying on a morning.
I would be grateful for your guidance on a couple of points:
1. What is the best way to to take our bedtime forward? he still had this long periods of crying on all five nights, so today for night 6 do we continue with 5.30 pm bedtime or put him to bed depending on end of second nap and his mood (i am guessing in 5.30-6.30 pm window)?
2. Is it his stronger will at this age already or something we are missing for this still long periods of crying on a nights 3,4,5? We put him down fully awake (but not drowsy as his last wake window would be a bit short for him), his daytime sleep was fine on Days 1-4, we didn’t go into his room before 4-5 am.
Thank you very much in advance!
Congratulations! From night 1 ( 1 hour 40 minutes) to night 5 (45 minutes) there has occurred less crying; would you describe this crying as intense, moderate, mild, or mixed? Are you and your husband able to stay the course for a few more nights even though there is still some crying? If so, how would you describe his mood and behavior when alone between 4-5pm? Your description might help me advise you regarding shifting his bedtime to a slightly later time.
Thank you very much for the method and your guidance! We are happy to continue with extinction for as long as needed to make sure the new way is well learned and becomes the new normal. I would describe the crying as mixed mostly moderate with some bouts of intense crying.
His mood is dependent on the time of the last nap. If it finishes after 3 pm he is content and happy playing by himself. if the nap finishes before he is getting fussy.
Thank you!
When the nap finishes after 3pm and he is in good spirits and you can watch for subtle drowsy signs, maybe delay the bedtime to 5:45-6:00pm but please no later. It will be better to err on the earlier time if you are not sure.
When the nap finishes before 3pm, please continue with the strict 5:30pm falling asleep time.
Continue to keep a record of sleep and crying and let me know how it goes over the next 3-5 days.
all clear! will do. thank you very much!
Hello Dr. Weissbluth!
As agreed, I would like to update you on our progress. We have continued another 5 nights with extinction method and bedtime of 5.30-6.15 pm depending on daytime nap schedule (2 naps) and crying reduced to 30 mins, then 10 mins, some nights there was zero crying, some nights another 10 mins. The improvement is just great not only in his sleep quantity and quality but also his overall demeanor: happy and content when he wakes up on a morning and also calm during the day. This improvement is just great! My only regret is that we have not done it earlier.
We will go forward with the same approach watching our son’s sleepy cues for optimal wake windows and keeping bedtime in the same range for now then. for now it does feel he needs one night time feed at around 3/4 am but he goes down after the feed very calmly and is asleep within minutes after.
Thank you very much!
You are welcome! Please consider writing a narrative report describing your child’s sleep journey and posting it here and I would publish it as a Blog Post. Your voice is more likely to resonate with mothers than mine. If you do so, the more detail the better and please include the role of the father, whether positive or negative.
Since birth our son Max has been sleeping in the snuzpod next to our bed in our bedroom waking up once for a feed on most nights. He has been a decent sleeper up until 4-month sleep regression. Since then he would wake up 2-4 times a night requiring rocking to sleep. This sometimes would take a couple of minutes and sometimes would be a 20-30 minute exercise. By the time Max turned 6 months were we were already quite tired. But things just turned worse when he was 6.5 month old and started rolling actively in his sleep. He would wake himself up constantly: every 45 mins or so. I gave in and started co-sleeping with numerous snooze feeds to pacify him to sleep. I found co-sleeping very stressful as I was worried he would fall off the bed. So I could not sleep properly myself even when he was asleep in between his numerous feeds. All of this felt like a major regression with sleep situation getting worse than in early weeks of his life. At this time our approach was to be constantly increasing total awake time of Max to make him tired for the night. This resulted in a schedule whereby Max would have three daytime naps and bedtime that would start at 10.00 pm.
We read Dr. Weissbluth’s book and understood our mistake of (a) keeping Max constantly overtired with a late bedtime and (b) not giving him a chance to learn to self soothe by constantly providing comfort feeds or rocking him to sleep at all times. We decided to implement extinction method with early bedtime at 5.30 pm, 2 daytime naps and only one feed per night. At this time we were also ready to move him to his new cot bed in his own room as he just turned 7-month old . We were very anxious about the process as usually we would not let Max cry more than 20 seconds during day or night before attending to him.
My husband was incredibly supportive. We planned to start the training on Thursday night when he would be at home and be involved during next 5 days as he was travelling next week. He took over bedtime routine of bath, pajamas, bottle, bedtime story, transfer to bed. 1st night Max cried 1hour 40 mins. After Max fell asleep he didn’t cry and whimpered for food only between 4 and 5 am. This means he slept on his own for 9-10 hours of continued sleep (as opposed to 45-90 mins stretches of sleep before when I was co-sleeping with him out of exhaustion)! At 4-5 am my husband fed him and changed him and promptly left the room. Unbelievably our son fell asleep after the feed in matter of minutes! He would then sleep until 7-7.30 am and wake up a happy calm boy. Previously after restless nights he would always wake up crying on a morning. Subsequently crying times during extinction method were: 2nd night: 1hour 31 mins, 3rd night: 1 hour 51 mins, 4th night: 1 hour, 5th night: 45 mins. On all nights he would sleep through until early morning feed and would go back to sleep immediately after. We continued extinction method for the next couple of weeks and crying reduced to 10 minutes on a night with some nights even without any crying. Now we implement principle of many hands alternating who is in charge of bedtime routine and nighttime feeds between me and my husband. Hearing him cry was incredibly difficult for us but reminded ourselves that we were teaching Max valuable skill of good sleep. I would not be able to do this if my husband were not at home supporting me.
The improvement is just great not only in his sleep quantity and quality but also his overall demeanour: happy and content when he wakes up on a morning and also calm during the day. Our life is starting to improve significantly with us being able to sleep at night with only one feed at night and getting our evenings back. My only regret is that we have not done it earlier as our son is already 7 months old.
Thank you!
Should I include Max’s name or change it?
Thank you for your work!
feel free to use Max’s name
Hello Dr. Weissbluth!
I am the mother of a 9-month-old boy and we have had sleep problems since 5 months. At 5 months, we stopped swaddling. and now waking up every 1-2 hours every night. and it is very difficult to put him back to sleep sometimes. it may take another 1-2 hours. I rock him straight into the crib with my hands. we have an attached bed. I can’t take it anymore. no one in the family sleeps because of it.
we have been working with sleep counselors with daytime routines and the alertness has been made less and more and still nothing seems to improve the night.
Therefore, I would like to try your method, but maybe slightly modified and I will be grateful for your advice.
we now have the day routine +-30 minutes:
wakes up at 6 in the morning. first sleep: 9:40-11:00;
second sleep: 14:50-16:10;
night 20:00.
we have one feeding at night, somewhere at 3-4 in the morning, after which he usually sleeps for another 2 hours.
I really love the process of falling in sleep and I don’t want to lose it. . will the cry it out method work if i put him to night sleep and if he wakes up after putting him to sleep don’t go near him until he goes back to sleep?
and should I leave a nipple in the crib? and leave night feeding too?
or what can you advise me in this situation?
I am very desperate and would appreciate your advice.
P.S. regarding the child’s mood during the day: he often just wants to play with me and constantly asks for my arms. if I don’t take, he whines constantly. before going to bed at night can be a little more dissatisfied and whine more.
Read the first few Chapters of my book and choose a sleep solution that comports with your values and specific family circumstances and I will help you.
I read your book. and I think that in my case can be more powerful ‘cry it out’. but as I said before, can we a little maybe slightly modified it? I really love the process of falling in sleep and I don’t want to lose it. . will the cry it out method work if i put him to night sleep and if he wakes up after putting him to sleep don’t go near him until he goes back to sleep?
and should I leave a nipple in the crib? and leave night feeding too?
or what can you advise me in this situation?
Thanks a lot that you answer me
Pick a method that you are comfortable with and be super consistent. Keep a detailed record and report back.
I have been trying to utilize the reset on my 2.5 year old but have been having trouble getting him on track. He was sleep trained with extinction back at 8 weeks old. I follow the methods Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child book to a T! My FAVORITE book!
In the past month, he has developed a cumulative sleep deficit due to many factors (bedtime 1 hour late due to a family birthday party, workers doing a home improvement project caused a missed nap one day, got in two 2-year molars this month). All of these factors causing him to miss out on precious sleep have turned him into a maniac (sobbing, running in circles, kicking at diaper changes) further reinforcing to me why I am so overprotective of his sleep normally. Recognizing a serious need to get him back on track I attempted the reset.
Prior to the insanity in the last month, his normal routine was:
7:30am – wake
12:30-2:30pm – nap
7:15pm – bedtime
After watching for drowsy signs closely, I identified his nap needed to be at 11am temporarily and bedtime shifted WAY up.
DAY 1 – Nap: 11:01am-12:54pm (under 2 hours, a door slam downstairs woke him up)
Bedtime: 5:40pm-7:10am (put him to bed at 5PM, took 40 mins to fall asleep)
DAY 2 – Nap: 11:00am-1:56pm (fell asleep immediately)
Bedtime: 6:45pm-6:39am (put him to bed at 5:10pm. He cried at 5:20pm which he NEVER normally does. Was spaced out at 3:30pm.)
DAY 3 – Nap 11:00am-1:03pm (really happy all morning! Fell down at 10:20am and was inconsolably crying so got him right to his bedroom for 11am nap).
Bedtime: 6:30pm-6:00am (put him to bed at 5pm. Showed overtired signs at 3:30pm by tearing the house apart)
DAY 4 – Nap 11:20am-1:16pm (left room at 11am, very crabby most of morning, said his molars hurt before nap so gave him Tylenol, cried going down for nap which NEVER normally happens)
Bedtime: 6:30pm-7:38am (put him to bed at 5:30pm because he told me he was tired at 5pm. Heard him awake in the middle of the night talking to himself at 2am)
DAY 5 – NO nap ☹ Tried for an 11am nap again even though I wasn’t seeing drowsy signs since he had been needing one at 11am the past 4 days.
Bedtime: 4:55pm-6:00am (Cried hard when I left the room but fell asleep immediately)
DAY 6 – Nap 11:50am-1:41pm
Bedtime 7:40pm-7:09am (left room at 6:10pm. He had looked zoned out at 5:40pm so rushed through bedtime routine)
DAY 7 – Nap 11:48am-1:38pm
Bedtime 7:50pm-7:52am (Sobbing at 4pm. So fed him dinner at got him to bed at 4:40pm. Technically was awake at 6:52am, sprang forward for the daylight savings time change so it makes it look like he slept in)
DAY 8 – Nap 12:15pm-2:25pm
Bedtime 9:10pm-7:34am (left room for bedtime at 5:15pm. He was sobbing @ 4:20pm so starting dinner and bedtime routine. Took him FOREVER to fall asleep. I was shocked it took so long, he was super chill during bath and sucking on his finger when I left the room. We did check on him at 7:30pm to make sure he wasn’t ill. Woke him up in the morning to try to get him on normal wake up schedule after day light savings messing him up)
DAY 9 – NO nap ☹ Showed drowsy signs at 10AM. I intentionally ignored them and tried for his regular nap time of 12:30pm since reset hasn’t been succeeding. His mood is deteriorating worse every day.
Bedtime TBD!
Please advise at what point you should stop a reset or if you see a flaw in what I am attempting. I have been trying for quite a while now. I watch closely for drowsy signs and rush him upstairs when I see them but he usually still needs lunch or dinner so I feed him while I do his bedtime routine. Could it be that I messed up on Day 5 when I did the 11am nap even though he didn’t show signs? This caused a missed nap and long latency to fall asleep so have I created a new sleep debt?
Before all of this occurred, is it possible that the 7:15pm bedtime might have been just a little too late based on his mood and behavior between 5-7Pm? Your answer might guide the specific advice that I will give you.
He has had the 7:15pm bedtime since last Summer and he never gave indication that it was too late. Behavior between 5-7pm never indicated he was overtired/drowsy.
Would you consider a 3-4 day trial of extra long soothing before bedtime, an early dinner, and a lights-out expected falling asleep time at 5:30pm coupled with ‘Sleep Rules’ as described in my book? If so, do it only when you can see ahead that you can be absolutely consistent and keep a record of sleep times, latency to sleep onset, and mood and behavior.
Yes sounds good, I can start that tomorrow.
What should I do for his one nap? His normal 12:30pm time (which resulted in no nap today) or put him down when he is showing drowsy signs (which was creating a super early 11am nap last week).
Thank you so much for your time and replies. I greatly appreciate it!!!
I would offer a nap opportunity, with extra soothing, every day, hopefully around 12-1pm. Maybe earlier or maybe try to stretch him to 12ish if needed. Whatever you think will produce a long nap.
Will do. Thank you!
DAY 9 – NO nap ☹ Showed drowsy signs at 10AM. I intentionally ignored them and tried for his regular nap time of 12:30pm since reset hasn’t been succeeding. His mood is deteriorating worse every day.
Bedtime 4:42pm-7:04am Total maniac all afternoon, destroying anything he could grab. Stalled in the bathtub not wanting to get dressed and do books. Cried when I left the bedroom.
DAY 10 – Nap 12:00-2:24pm Got quiet during an early lunchtime at 11:10am. When I got him out of his booster he said he was “not tired” without being asked. This always means he’s super tired!! Did extra long nap routine with more books than usual so he’d be calm. Left room at 11:45am. He wiggled until 12pm and then fell asleep. The nap was decent length but he was very restless sleeping. Crabby upon waking.
Bedtime 8:00pm-6:04am. Left his room at 5:17pm. Looked exhausted/spaced out between 3-3:45pm. Fell down at 3:50pm and cried unconsolably. Did an early dinner (a little irritable) and super long bath with lavender bubbles, extra books. Lots of kicking on the changing table for the diaper. Fell asleep initially at 7:40pm but then the doorbell rang unexpectedly at 7:50pm and woke him up. Fell back asleep at 8pm. Woke up at 6:05am in a surprisingly good mood with a big appetite for breakfast.
DAY 11 – Nap 11:25am-1:16pm Drowsy signs at 10:20am so I did lunch in the bathtub (don’t normally do bath with nap routine) to try to keep him calm and awake closer to noon. Told me he was “not tired” at 10:55am, which means he’s exhausted. Got woken up by his little sister being loud before a decent nap took place.
Bedtime 6:40pm-6:39am. A tiny irritable during the afternoon but not as bad as recent days. Got a second wind during his bath at 4:45pm. Left bedroom at 5:15pm.
DAY 12 – Nap 12:07-1:56pm Hyperactive most of morning. Nap was unfortunately under 2 hours again because a package got delivered and the truck woke him.
Bedtime 7:40pm-6:45am Left bedroom at 5:25pm. Hyperactive upon waking from his nap. Started to act normal around 3pm. But cried when it was time to stop playing and have an early dinner (not a total inconsolable meltdown though). When I went to get him this morning, he told me “I did not sleep well” without being asked. Had a crying meltdown at 7:45am for no apparent reason. But has since chilled out and is playing independently right now which hasn’t been happening in recent weeks.
Overall there has been improvement. He had no meltdowns yesterday morning and then only one small one in the afternoon. He is just a little rough around the edges still. Since he slept in until 6:45am this morning (but it is still earlier than his usual 7:30am wakeup), I should be able to get him to stay awake until a 12pm nap. I’m curious what you think I should do for bedtime tonight? I’d say he’s in a better spot but not back to normal. At what point do I stop the 5:30pm bedtime and return to his 7:15pm bedtime? Last night he didn’t seem quite ready during book reading (wasn’t sucking his finger like he normally does if he’s ready). So I’m wondering if the 5:30pm is too early now that he’s not completely exhausted and just a little tired?
You’ll also notice that he has gotten woken up by noise in the home multiple times, setting back our progress. He hears EVERYTHING when he’s overtired.
When sleep deprived, the body produces stimulating chemicals to fight the fatigue causing hyperarousal (meltdowns, emotional lability, and hypersensitivity to noises). So a white noise machine now might be helpful. I suggest that since an earlier bed time has helped him, I would continue it until his behavior is completely back to normal. When that occurs. let me know and I will advise you how to move the bedtime later.
Ok thank you!!!
DAY 13 Nap 12:25-1:34pm. Left his bedroom at 12:02pm. Got a second wind around 11:10am. Woke himself up from the nap with a poop.
Bedtime 7:05pm-6:10am. Left his bedroom at 5:25pm. No meltdown in the afternoon but quite pushy from 3-4pm. Molars were bothering him again so gave him Tylenol before bed. Woke up in quite a happy mood! But crabby/edgy after 9am. and then hyperactive from 9:45-10:15am.
DAY 14 Nap 12:05-2:28pm. Left his bedroom at 11:02am. Very restless sleep during nap, moving around a lot.
Bedtime 7:30pm-6:49am. Left bedroom at 5:22pm. NO meltdown at 4pm like we have been having regularly. Was chill going to bed but was not sucking on his fingers. Woke up at 6:20am moving around but then was able to fall back asleep for a half an hour. Woke up and immediately needed to poop which is unusual. Cried inconsolably at 7:35am and 9:30am.
DAY 15 Nap 12:15-1:38pm. Left bedroom at 12pm. Very rough morning – one of the worst he has had. Multiple meltdowns throughout the entire morning.
Bedtime 7:15pm-7:00am. Left bedroom at 5:25pm. Woke from the (short) nap very happy. Had a FANTASTIC afternoon! Did not get a second wind that I saw but did show drowsy signs at 4:30pm by rubbing his eyes. Actually slept until 7am which has not happened in a long time!
DAY 16 Nap 1:29pm – TBD. Left his bedroom at 12pm. Had a FANTASTIC morning! Super happy, normal energy level! Showed drowsy signs at 11:30am (got very quiet during lunch and told me “I’m not tired!” without me asking). Did not fall asleep for a long time. I went in at 1pm to check to see if he had pooped (he has been pooping at weird times since his sleep schedule has been off) and reminded him of the sleep rules. He cried when I left the room but did fall asleep after some very restless tossing and turning.
It was unfortunate the nap took so long to start since his personality yesterday afternoon and this morning were so great. He is currently napping but the nap started very late (1:29pm). When he is on his normal schedule, I always wake him up at 3:00pm from nap to keep him on his normal early bedtime schedule (7:15pm). Should I wake him at 3pm if he is still sleeping or not? Should I continue with the 5:30pm bedtime tonight?
I am extremely grateful for your help!!! We have been so thankful to have his personality back to normal since yesterday afternoon!
Update: I woke him up at 3pm. Been in a great mood since waking! I’m not sure if I should be doing 5:30pm bedtime again tonight. Please advise 🙂
Please stick with the 5:30 plan for now.
Please describe what is going on between 5:30ish when you leave the room and 7:00ish when he falls asleep.
What rewards are you using for compliance with Sleep Rules?
What restriction of privileges are you using for noncompliance?
Did you make a Sleep Rules Poster?
I admittedly did not make as big of a deal of about the sleep rules as I now recognize I should have!
Today’s nap he had sang and talked to himself for about 40 mins before I went in so see if he needed a new diaper.
I made the poster before this bedtime today! He was told that if he followed the sleep rules we would sing a song together in the morning tomorrow. He has tried VERY hard tonight to be quiet, hardly making a peep. But it is after 7pm and he has not fallen asleep.
“Sleep Rules’ work if, and only if, all the elements are in place. Please carefully review all the details. If you are serious about ‘Sleep Rules’ then consider that you are making a fresh start as you go forward.
The prior evenings he has been quiet some of the time and talking/singing some of the time. I didn’t think it was possible for him to be silent, so I thought he was following the “stay quiet” rule close enough. Then during nap today he was having a party and laughing with himself. Now that I see how quiet he was tonight, I realize making a bigger deal about the rules with him and putting the poster on the wall is important for his success to be totally quiet! Who knew a toddler could be so quiet!
What rewards are you using for compliance with Sleep Rules?
What restriction of privileges are you using for noncompliance?
If the rewards and restrictions are insufficiently motivational, the method will fail.
My husband told him before he left the room that if he followed the sleep rules we would all sing a song in the morning (he absolutely loves songs).
We did not tell him a privilege restriction as I wasn’t sure if he would understand that at 2.5 years old. But clearly I’m underestimating him because I didn’t think he could be as quiet as he was tonight either! So the plan is to tell him tomorrow he cannot be the one to start our robot vacuum if he doesn’t listen in the future (he’s not motivated by toys at all, room lights are already off, his door is already closed, he already has zero screen time… as strange as it sounds the robot vacuum button is honestly his favorite thing right now)
I have read your book and read many of your blog posts, but we are currently struggling with early wake up times. My son is 11 months old and has had early wake ups (before 5am) on and off since he was a newborn. We used extinction at 4 months old and again at 7 months old. He now puts himself to sleep at night and for naps. We previously used a 5:30 pm bedtime which resolved the early wake ups. He was sleeping until about 5:30 am. Within the last month, we finally dropped the 3 am night feed, but now he is waking up at 4:45 every morning. He tries to resettle himself, but doesn’t seem to be able to fall back asleep for more than 10 minutes. I’ve also tried feeding him when he wakes, but he won’t go back to sleep afterwards. We also tried moving his bedtime back, closer to 6/6:15 but he continued to wake at 4:45am. He takes 2 naps, around 9 am (ranges 30-75 minutes) and then between 12:30 and 1 (75-120 minutes).
For well-rested children who get up too early, there is no one solution that fits all. Here are some thoughts that might help:
Moving the bedtime later with the hope of a later wake up time rarely works for infants who are taking 3 naps, sometimes works for those taking 2 naps, and often works for those taking 1 nap.
For how many nights did you try the 6/6:15 later bedtime?
Sometimes making the room absolutely pitch black and using a white noise machine helps prevent early morning wake ups.
At 4:45am, could you ignore him completely until 5:30 am for 3-5 mornings to see if he will return to sleep for more than 10 minutes?
Thank you for the quick response! We have only done the later 6/6:15 bedtime for 2 nights. I figured we probably needed to trial for longer, but wanted confirmation if that was a good strategy to try. We have always used a sound machine/night light. He used to scream if he woke up in the pitch black. But we trialed pitch black last night and he seemed to do ok.
We usually ignore him for about 20 minutes or until it seems like he’s no longer trying to go back to sleep. We will try ignoring until 5:30 am with the 6/6:15pm bedtime and see if that helps.
How would you feel a trial of 6:30pm bedtime (he is bathed, fed, soothed and you are leaving the room at 6:30pm) for 5 nights and not going to him before 5:30am?
He will need extra soothing and distraction early in the evening.
If this helps, when he goes to a single nap, the bedtime will need to be a bit earlier, at least for a while.
Good Luck! If the later bedtime produces major difficulties in falling asleep (bedtime battles or extremely long latency to sleep onset), abandon the effort. Otherwise, let me know how it goes. Please keep a detailed written record.
We will try that!
Hi Dr. Weissbluth, we would like your advice on a specific sleeping situation with our 20 month old baby.
We have read and implemented all your tips and used extinction method since the very beginning, since she was 9 months old.
Ever since, she sleeps soundly through the night 12-13 hours, she has fix naps and we are all happy and well rested.
We have just done a vacation with a big time difference (8 hours) and baby adapted instantly since the first night to the new time zone and her routine was kept untouched and slept exactly the same.
Now that we are back, she is absolutely disrupted and for three nights she’s been awake for 2-3 hours at night and then going finally to sleep until 3 am.
We tried a reset since day one, putting her to bed at 6.00 pm and she woke up at midnight and then slept until 3.00 am
We are trying to do extinction again but she is behaving so desperate that we end up going into her room and this calms her down and then she’s able to fall asleep, but we don’t want to do this a habit.
We are waking her up in the morning at her usual time and then putting her down for her nap as usual to get the routine back, which works well during the day but at night is just impossible.
What would you recommend?
Is jetlag something that impacts a toddler so much?
Should we hold a bit more, do another reset even earlier?
Thank you in advance and look forward!
Kind regards
Pam D
Upon returning home, for how many days did you use the 6pm bedtime?
Are you currently using the 6pm bedtime and if so, describe her mood and behavior when alone with toys (no screens or parental involvement) between 5-6pm.
Thank you Dr. For the quick turnaround.
Only on the first day we used the 6.00 pm bedtime for the reset.
Second day she slept at 6.45, third day at 6.30.
We thought if we go back to her usual bedtime it would work, but it’s not.
From 5-6 she is playing, she’s is focused, but she does begin with tired signs around 18.00, so we start her sleeping routine at 18.15, then ending at 18.30 with her in bed.
Today we woke her up at 8.00, she went back to daycare, slept her nap at midday, and she went to bed at 18.30 again.
Should we have used an earlier bedtime for more days?
Look forward, thank you!
Kind regards
Pam D
“Should we have used an earlier bedtime for more days?” Yes.
Please describe the “tire signs” around 6pm.
At 6.00 she has the usual tired signs, she starts to lose focus on toys and has low energy and she is now old enough to show us that she wants to go to bed by putting herself on the floor and then she asks us to carry her. So that’s usually when we do it.
Tonight is the fourth night in a row that she is waking up, but this time is just too much. She went to bed at 6.30, she woke up at 9.30 and she has no stopped crying and yelling for 3.5 hours.
We haven’t gone into her room to keep consistency, but at this point, is this normal for a child who was previously sleeping like clock work, for a year, to just be completely disrupted over a vacation?
What should we do? We need help.
Kind regards
Pam D
For the next 3-5 nights only, bathe her, feed her, soothe her and leave the room at 5:30pm.
Keep a record of day sleep, night sleep, crying/wakefulness at night.
Continue to not go to her at night, unless you think she is ill.
Is this acceptable to you?
Yes, this is perfectly doable for us, so we will try it right away.
And what about her waking time in the morning? Should we let her wake on her own or should we continue to wake her at a specific time (7.30-8.00) as per her usual routine?
Please do not wake her in the morning during this trial.
Hi! Just to give you an update on our case:
We put her to bed at 17.30 yesterday and she was struggling, finally going to sleep at 18.00.
She woke up at 19.30 and stayed sitting in her crib, no crying, just staring around for 5 hours and finally laid in bed to sleep at 1.00 am
We let her sleep and she woke up today at 12.30 pm (she slept 11.5 hours)
We will not give her a nap since she woke up at midday and we will put her again at 17.30 and see how it goes. I feel there is progress as she sort of slept through the night, just still behind her usual times due to the jet lag.
Shall we continue with the plan for the next 3-4 nights or do you consider there is any adjustment based on her sleep today?
For now, stay the course. Let me know how it goes over the next 24 hours.
Hi Dr, here’s an update of the last 24 hours, where I feel we just got a setback:
She woke up yesterday at 12.30 pm, having slept a lot, but she was already tired and showing sleepy signs at 14.30. We pushed her through until 17.30, so by the time we put her to bed she was exhausted and she was crying to sleep
She fell asleep the moment we put her on the bed.
She woke up at 19.00 (only slept 1.5 hours) and then she stayed awake, fighting to sleep with all she got, until 2.30 am. She didn’t sleep for 7.5 hours (!).
She woke up today at 8.00 am on her own, still exhausted, yawning, but she says no whenever we tell her we go to bed.
Additionally, she has now a cold, so we did go into her room last night to clear her nose so she could breathe easily to sleep, but I doubt this is why she stayed so many hours awake. She is fighting to sleep and when she starts to sleep sitting down, she even lays down and goes back up and shakes her head to stay awake.
What should we do? I thought about giving her her usual nap at midday and just let her sleep as long as she wants and keep the 17.30 bedtime, but i look forward to your thoughts.
I’m genuinely worried about her as it’s been now 6 days with such instability for both her and us and just when I thought there was progress, last night was just really bad, could there be another underlying issue?
Kind regards
Pam D
Maybe last night was from the cold.
Let’s change course. Assuming it is only a mild cold and she is not painfully ill, try this (if painfully ill, have her examined and do whatever you can to comfort her, for now, and try this later):
Wake her in the morning at a time that was common before all this started.
Keep her up, expose her to as much sunshine or light as possible, until mid-day and use the nap-drill (as described in my book) for a single mid-day nap, limit the nap to no more than 2 hours.
Do not let her sleep at any other time.
Have an early bedtime based on either drowsy signs or in the 5:30-6:00pm range.
Do extinction overnight.
How do you fell about this?
Additional update. I just tried to put her down for a nap, it’s been 2.5 hours and she doesn’t sleep. She continues fighting although her head falls down every 2 minutes.
I took her out of the room as the nap time is already passed, and will push her to 17.30.
Let me know if that’s OK or if I should put her down before, thank you!
Thank you!
Yes, she is not very ill, it is a mild cold.
OK, we do this, we tried it since we came back from the vacation but that’s when she started to wake up constantly.
And about the nap, of course following the drill from your book, if she doesn’t take it, we anyway push her through until 17.30, correct?
Because today I had to take her out of the room as she did not fall asleep in 2.5 hours, so she has been up all day.
“OK, we do this, we tried it since we came back from the vacation…” How many days was this in place?
“And about the nap, of course following the drill from your book, if she doesn’t take it, we anyway push her through until 17.30, correct?” Yes
Please stay in touch.
This was in place for the first 3 days since we got back to our home country. Each day she took her nap without issues, went to bed willingly at bedtime, but woke up and stayed up for hours before going back to sleep again.
On the third day (this past Monday) she went back to daycare and had an episode of separation anxiety as she had not attended for a few weeks due to our holiday.
It was then that I wrote here and each day has been worse with regards to going to bed overall. Today it’s just been really bad, she refuses to even go into her bedroom and she’s sitting for hours just looking at the door and doing all she can to stay awake.
She has been up now for 13 hours straight. She fell asleep for a few minutes sitting down, all bent over, and we tried to move her into a laying down position but she woke up instantly and we had to leave and start all over again, our mistake.
It is just too sudden that she just doesn’t want to sleep at all. Despite te-training her to sleep, would it be worth to consider separation anxiety or any other night fears she might have developed?
Moreover, should we worry about the lack of sleep if she goes so many hours without sleep for more days or would she just get her hours back over time?
Kind regards
Pam D
Sorry, I need some clarification, is she 20 months old?
If so, because of her sleep deprivation, after bathing, feeding, and soothing, do you place her in her crib and do extinction around 5:30pm?
You wrote: “…she refuses to even go into her bedroom and she’s sitting for hours just looking at the door and doing all she can to stay awake…She fell asleep for a few minutes sitting down, all bent over, and we tried to move her into a laying down position but she woke up instantly and we had to leave and start all over again, our mistake.” suggesting that possibly you are giving her too much attention when you put her down for bedtime and/or shortly thereafter. Is this correct or am I mistaken?
Yes, she is 20 months old. She had a fix and quick bedtime routine where she was very independent and she even let us know when she wanted to go to bed. Which is why I’m worried that she is now refusing so strongly, from one day to the next, going to bed.
And yes, we place her in her crib at 5.30 pm and then do extinction, as this is the method that we have always used with her.
Yes, we are giving a lot of attention this past week because her behaviour is completely upside down, and today specifically we did go in to move her and this was definitely a mistake, but we just didn’t want her to sleep bent over for hours.
Do you consider this was a major mistake in the overall situation?
Please, if possible, have your husband silently and quickly place her in a comfortable sleep position without any soothing.
It’s a bit mysterious why this is going on and the least amount of attention the better; none is best.
You mentioned anxiety: In your family or your husband’s family, or yourselves, are there individuals with anxiety or have had a diagnosis of anxiety disorder?
If so, buy and read ‘Freeing Your Child from Anxiety’ to clarify your observations.
Hello, here’s an update of the last 24 hours. There isn’t much progress I’m afraid.
The day before yesterday she went to bed at 5.30 pm and stayed up until midnight before finally crashing asleep in bed.
She woke up on her own at 8.30 yesterday, which is a good time from the past times when she was still a good sleeper.
I put her down for a nap at midday, which she did not take, she sat on her crib and fought to stay awake for 2 hours, then I took her out.
She continued her day quite active and focused, actually not showing any signs of irritatability, nor bad mood, on the contrary she was happy and cooperative, eating well.
We put her to bed at 5.30 pm again and this time she refused to take her night milk bottle and she didn’t want to go to sleep.
She stayed up until 22.30 when she finally crashed again, exhausted, asleep.
She woke up today at 4.00, starving, so we gave her her milk bottle which she drank instantly and was already sleeping again when she was taking it. Then we put her in her crib gently, said good night and closed the door and she stayed awake the whole time, fighting again not to sleep and we finally took her out at 8.30 to start the day.
It worries me that she is getting less than 9 hours of sleep daily for the past days. I’ve also read some chapters of your book regarding toddlers refusing to sleep due to the developmental milestones they’re achieving and the new personality they are developing.
Could it also be that she needs a complete change of routine, more choices, other type of stimulus control, etc so that she feels in control of her bedtime and wants to sleep instead of fight it?
Should we continue with the same course and nap and bedtimes?
Kind regards
I share your concern that she is not getting enough sleep.
1. Moving the bedtime super early + extinction at night did not help her sleep better.
2. Adding ‘control the wake-up time’ + the nap drill did not help her sleep better
I think prioritizing getting more sleep is correct. One idea is to forget habit formation and sleep schedules and do whatever works to get more sleep. For example, if it gets more sleep, then sleep with her in your bed for day and night sleep whenever you think it’s appropriate. The intention is to repay her sleep debt for now and when better rested in the future, wean her back to her crib and reasonable sleep schedule. Your thoughts?
Please describe in detail how she appears and behaves when she fights sleep.
Please describe in detail how she usually looks during the day when alone with toys (no screens or parental involvement).
Has her personality changed? Please answer my question regarding anxiety. “You mentioned anxiety: In your family or your husband’s family, or yourselves, are there individuals with anxiety or have had a diagnosis of anxiety disorder?”
Name a large city close to where you live.
Thank you for the quick turnaround.
With respect to the anxiety part, no, no one in our family has or has been diagnosed with any type of anxiety disorders. I mentioned it as I’ve read it is common at her age to develop the bond with us parents and to be scared to be left alone or feel abandoned.
Her personality has not changed, she is the same sweet girl, calm, that she has been so far, so at least this is OK. The only behaviour that has changed is the constant refusal to anything we offer, and that it was overnight. It was not something that developed over weeks or months, it just happened right after we returned from our holiday, which was with family and beach time where her sleeping routine and times were always normal.
The only disruption after that was the long flight back home, and retuning to her own bed after 3 weeks, as well as returning to daycare where she was extremely sad for the first hour and then active and playing normally. This might have been just too much for her.
When she is in her crib, as soon as we close the door she sits up and comes close to the rail, holds her stuffed animal with which she always sleeps and stares at the door waiting for us to come in (we have a baby monitor to watch her).
She immediately starts to fall asleep, we see her head going down over and over and she just gets herself back up each time, and this is for hours, until she is unable to hold off sleep any longer and she starts to fall to the side, also getting herself back up until she just stays down and then we know she is finally asleep. During this period of time, she occasionally cries and calls for us, then her head goes back down again.
I removed some pictures and other things that were causing shadows in her room, she has a very dim night light, always has had it, and we tried turning that off, but it didn’t change anything.
With regards to her behaviour during the day when alone with toys, she is keen in reading her books and bringing them to us, or she might be playing with lego blocks and stacking things up, or carrying a bag around and picking up what she finds, but this is normal, she is always finding new things to do and she has always been independent in the sense that she doesn’t require us to be beside her the entire time. If she is focused learning how to open and close a lock, or stack things, she keeps herself there for a good while and then she might switch to a book and bring it to us to start reading together.
She’s also eating well, always happy to eat and going to her small chair and table to do so, by herself.
She has no screen time, we don’t allow her any time.
Paying her sleep debt at any cost, even if it’s going back to sleeping with her is something I am willing to do, I am just worried how much of a set back this can be in terms of re-training her once she is better rested.
Lastly, a large city close to where we live is Zürich.
Hope this helps and look forward to your thoughts.
Thankfully, there appears to be little behavioral or emotional adverse effects from her not sleeping well. Therefore, for now, let’s not consider sleeping with her to get more sleep which might work but would be associated with the creation of her developing habit expectations which would have to be changed later.
One thought is to stay the course for another 3-5 days to see if there is any improvement. For how many days have you done items 1. and 2. combined?
Here is another strategy that might be considered:
We abandon the focus on an early bedtime. You engage in low-intensity or calm interactions to minimize pre-sleep arousal and keep her up late. The increased homeostatic sleep pressure now acts with more power and she no longer sits up and fights sleep. The exact timing of this late bedtime will require some trial and error. If it’s too early, it won’t work. If it’s too late, pre-sleep arousal might make the effort counterproductive. The rationale is that she learns to have positive associations with falling asleep easily. When this is in place, and if she appears to need more sleep, then the actual bedtime is now slowly moved earlier. A variant of this strategy is described as ‘Positive routines plus faded bedtime with response cost’ on pages 278-279.
In either case, if the falling asleep time is very late, probably for now, do not wake her in the morning. Perhaps attempting the ‘nap drill” in the mid-day is still worthwhile.
If night sleep improves, than later, waking her in the morning might be needed when you attempt to move the bedtime earlier.
Please be optimistic because despite her new sleep issue, she seems to be doing well.
“Stranger danger’ and ‘Separation anxiety’ are normal and usually not a cause of disrupted sleep but do pay attention to her social interactions.
Thank you dr.
I have re-read the chapters you mentio and me and my husband have also now tried the late bedtime approach.
The trial and error of the last two days now bring new things to consider.
Over the weekend we tried the late bedtime, sadly obtaining the same response of full rejection and almost fear of going to bed. Even by leaving her alone she still took her good couple of hours to fall asleep.
The progress here is that on Sunday night, for the first time since we came back, she laid herself on bed to sleep, just as she used to, so no longer just waiting until her body was exhausted (yay!)
She slept through the night, good 10 hours and woke up fresh to go to daycare.
At daycare she was absolutely normal and, surprise surprise, she slept just fine her nap time there. No crying, no rejection, asleep in a matter of minutes. Completely normal.
Monday night she shows the exact same fear of going to sleep and we then realised by looking at the baby monitor recordings and also her behaviour on that night that she is pointing at something in her room and when we went in there we saw that her night light is reflecting several shadows, one of them right on her bed.
At some point, while we were trying to figure out what it was, we noticed that she was asleep and again having laid herself down willingly. However, she made sure to occupy only a corner of the bed which had no shadow.
Today, she slept again very well at daycare, absolutely no change there and I have just gone through a longer bedtime routine to show the shadows in her room, explain to her what they mean, play with them, but she still shows the rejection to go to sleep.
She’s now in her crib, once again sitting and fighting to stay awake, although there are no more shadows visible to her as I changed the location of the night light to make the room darker.
She is falling asleep while sitting so I guess it is a matter of time again, but still no success although I feel we’re getting close to figuring out what is making her afraid and meanwhile all her other routines are back to normal and, when she manages to fall asleep at night, she sleeps through until 7-8 am.
So a bit of progress, but I guess still repetition and getting her back to a happy state when going to bed.
Your thoughts?
Kind regards
“She slept through the night, good 10 hours and woke up fresh to go to daycare. At daycare she was absolutely normal and, surprise surprise, she slept just fine her nap time there. No crying, no rejection, asleep in a matter of minutes. Completely normal.” Is this different from how she has been during nap time recently at daycare?
How well and for how long did she nap on the week-end?
On Saturday and Sunday nights, when did you attempt to put her to sleep and how long did it take for her to fall asleep?
Please clarify: “Over the weekend we tried the late bedtime, sadly obtaining the same response of full rejection and almost fear of going to bed. Even by leaving her alone she still took her good couple of hours to fall asleep.
The progress here is that on Sunday night, for the first time since we came back, she laid herself on bed to sleep, just as she used to, so no longer just waiting until her body was exhausted (yay!)”
In what way was Sunday night different from Saturday night?
Thanks for the notes and queries.
Regarding daycare. Our surprise comes from the fact that she slept well, very quickly and without any push back, as opposed from being at home.
Additionally, over the weekend and for 5 days prior to going to daycare, she did not sleep any nap at midday. She stayed awake every time and we had to take her out of the room every day as she was not even attempting to sleep. So it is a surprise that at daycare she found no issues and kept her schedule untouched.
Over the weekend we put her down at around 8.30-9.00 and she took around 2 hours to finally lay in bed, however, the small win I am talking about in my previous post is regarding the fact that she was always staying awake and when she was exhausted after 2-3 hours and her body had given up, that was the only way she would be laying in bed, so basically just waiting for her body to go down slowly and then stayed down.
The progress from Sunday night and up until today is that she is now willingly laying herself down. As if she understood again that laying down is the comfortable position to sleep.
Since Sunday night, every night she has fallen asleep 10-20 minutes earlier than the day before. But it was until yesterday that, after a much longer bedtime routine (30 minutes) she only took 15 minutes to finally lay down.
She is still not liking at all going to bed, but we are doing now many things like saying good night to her stuffed animals, putting them in sleeping positions and taking a longer time to read a story and be with her. It seems to be working so far, so we’ll keep that, and we also are putting her to sleep 20 minutes earlier each day, until we go back to her usual bedtime which was 19.00
The late bedtime I believe definitely helped.
How are naps going?
I want to congratulate you on your ability to keep her up to 8:30-9:00pm and remain calm enough to still use a soothing bedtime routine. Some parents who try this method become impatient as they wait for the late bedtime and this impatience plus their own tiredness results in a rushed bedtime routine which more unsettles than soothes their baby. Was it easy or difficult for you to remain calm while waiting until 8:30-9:00pm?
How would you describe the role of your husband during this sleep journey?
Is your husband able to do nap duty this weekend and for you to leave the house?
At home, basically none. She did well at daycare, but for the rest of the week she’s at home and today she slept on a sitting position, leaning against a corner of the bed.
One hour she slept like that, then she was up.
We’ll try again tomorrow.
Is it possible that Monday’s surprise good nap at day care was caused by better sleep on Sunday night?
When and at what clock time did you start the strategy of a very late bedtime?
Hi Dr.
Sorry for the late reply and thank you for the additional comments.
Yes, I also think that is a possibility, however I do believe also that it was a combination of better sleep plus feeling comfortable to do so other than at home.
In the end, it has all turned out perfect and since that week where she began sleeping better, she has returned to her normal schedule from 7 pm to 7 am, no night wakings and she’s happy and well rested again.
She has her new bedtime routine now, and she has clearly developed into a more independent individual, so all good now.
Thank you for all the advise throughout this hard time!! It was definitely a great support and did help us find the solution.
Kind regards
Please consider writing a narrative report about your sleep adventure and posting it here for me to use as a Blog Post. Many mothers will be more attuned to your voice than mine. If so, please also include the role of your husband.
Hi Dr. Weissbluth: we are on day 5 of extinction training with our third child, who is 4 months. We used your extinction and general sleep training methods for our older two children. But now, our 4 month old is struggling with extinction – after he is put to bed, he has a short 10-15 mins of initial sleep, then wakes and goes for 30-60 mins in a repetitive cycle where he cries, falls asleep for 2-3 mins, then wakes up and cries again for 5-10 mins before falling asleep again for 2-3 mins. This happens 2 or 3 times through the night. When he finally falls asleep for a longer period, he is often waking 45-90 mins later and then begins another long crying period. We don’t know what to make of these cycles of short, alternating periods of crying and what appear to be short 2-3 minute periods of sleep. He is transitioning from a snoo and we’re wondering if this is making the training harder. He also has reflux and we’re worried this could be affecting his sleep. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
Laura
Please read Blog Posts 190 and 231.
What time do you begin the bedtime routine and when does he actually fall asleep?
For only 15-20 minutes and for only 2-3 nights, watch his mood and behavior when placed alone with toys (no screeens nor parental nor sibling interaction) during the hour before the bedtime and report back.
Thank you, Dr. Weissbluth. Bedtime routine begins between 6:30 and 7:30 and includes a last feeding. Sometimes he falls asleep during that last feeding and is put in his crib asleep, otherwise he is put down awake and cries 35-45 mins before falling asleep. He then stays asleep 30-90 mins, wakes up and has another crying period that has lasted up to 1 or 2 hours.
I will observe him in the hour before bed as you suggest and report back.
Two related questions –
1 – I would like to move bedtime earlier (and suspect that, as you often write, this would greatly help) but have not due to late naps and concern we can’t fit in enough daytime feedings. A nap from about 5:10-5:30pm is currently unavoidable on the commute home from daycare because he will fall asleep in the car or stroller. When he arrives home asleep at 5:30ish, should we wake him and begin bedtime routine immediately or give him some awake time before bed (if so how much)?
2 – He seems exhausted the last few days, I assume from lots of crying and poor night sleep. He is taking long daytime naps but does there come a point where he is too tired to effectively train? But I am afraid to break consistency by going back to old night habits of holding to keep him asleep, etc., and fear this would make training harder once we resume.
Thank you again very much for your responses.
What time does he usually awaken or do you wake him in the morning for Day-Care?
Is Day-Care 5 days a week?
What is his common nap pattern at Day-Care
Before we started sleep training 5 nights ago he was waking up between 6 and 7am so I generally don’t need to wake him for day care, which is 5 days/wk. At daycare, he naps around 9:30am, then again 2-4 add’l naps that last 15-60 mins before pickup at 5pm. The time of day when the other naps happen varies, but generally not more than 2 hours between naps.
Try to avoid the brief nap in the car ride home from day care with loud music and weather permitting, windows open. Temporarily, because of inadequate naps at daycare, upon arriving home, bathe, dress for sleep, feed, and soothe to sleep without any play time. I would have suggested that all of this is done and you are leaving the room at 5:30pm. But his is not practical; try for 6:00pm. The earlier bedtime will enhance night sleep and that will eventually lead to better naps. When naps have improved, the bedtime may, or may not be a little later. Go to bed earlier for yourself so that you can enjoy quiet and calm morning time with your baby instead of evening play time.
How does this sound?
That sounds like a good plan, I will start it tomorrow and report back. Thank you!
Hi Dr. Weissbluth: I’m happy to report that we’ve implemented a 5:30 or 6:00pm bedtime and our baby’s sleep is improving, especially in the period before midnight. His daytime naps are also starting to improve. Would you recommend that we continue the 5:30/6:00 bedtime indefinitely? Are there signs (such as waking up earlier in the mornings or longer daytime naps) that would suggest he is ready for a slightly later bedtime? When it’s not detrimental to his sleep, it would be helpful to shift bedtime a little later to 6:30 or so, to fit in solid foods and family time at night.
Thank you very much!
EXCELLENT!
When you put him to sleep at 5:30-6:00pm, how easily is it for him to fall asleep or how long does it take for him to fall asleep?
When he is put down awake he is falling asleep with 5-15 minutes, sometimes with a little crying but generally pretty easily.
Q: “Are there signs (such as waking up earlier in the mornings or longer daytime naps) that would suggest he is ready for a slightly later bedtime?”
A: “When he is put down awake he is falling asleep with 5-15 minutes, sometimes with a little crying but generally pretty easily.” In other words, you are synchronizing the bedtime with his brain output for sleep. Keeping him up later is a brain threat because you are stealing sleep from him.
How does this sound?
Thank you – if I’m understanding you right, falling asleep easily within 5-15 mins means he is being put to bed at the appropriate time. But are there any signals that might indicate he is ready for a later bedtime?
Read Blog Posts 127 and 232 to fully understand how you are now helping your son.
Watch closely for drowsy signs after 4:00pm.
In the future, these drowsy signs might be absent and/or he may lie in bed quietly and take much longer than 15 minutes to fall asleep. Then, a later bedtime might be appropriate, based on drowsy signs. But this might be months, or many months from now. After all, with less day sleep in the future, he might still need an early bedtime. Resist the temptation to move his bedtime later for social reasons. Remember, a too late bedtime is a brain threat.
How does this sound?
Very helpful. Thank you very much! This blog is an amazing resource.
Thank you. I wish you sweet dreams for your child. My sincere goal is to raise the visibility of accurate information regarding children’s sleep. To encourage other parents, please consider writing, and posting here, a narrative report of your sleep adventure (please include the role of the father) that I would use it as a Blog Post or perhaps, only if you feel comfortable, an Amazon book review. Thank you.
Hello Dr. Weissbluth. I read your book four years ago when our first child was born and have referred to it ever since. We just tried the extinction method with our son (it worked great for our first two kids, now 3 and 4 who sleep and still nap great), and after a few days he was waking up less but still waking up in the middle of the night and just chatting. We’re trying to figure out if he has too long or too short of wake windows. He consistently wakes up in the middle of the night and chats or kind of cries for awhile. Then he’s always up for the day around 5:30 or 6. I’ve been putting him down between 6 and 7 most days depending on when his second nap ended. He does seem overtired, but if I put him down for a nap too early he won’t sleep more than 45 minutes. He is especially overtired in the evening, basically the whole 2.5-3.5 hours after his second nap he won’t play independently and easily gets really agitated. I tried a reset last week, put him to bed at 5:30 and he slept all the way till 6am without waking up! Should I do that again, or more often? We did the extinction method 3 weeks ago (after a long bout of sicknesse and infections that really threw off his sleep in the first place) and for the first two weeks I didn’t go to him at all and even though the crying definitely lessened he’s still waking up and keeping us up. This week he’s had a little cold so I’ve been putting the binky back in for him but I fear I’ve thrown it all off, even though it seems wrong to leave him crying when he’s sick. He seems to be mostly over the cold now and I’m wondering if you recommend redoing extinction or how do you reset after sicknesses etc. when they can happen so frequently in the winter?
What a thoughtful, detailed question — and what a clear picture you have painted of your son’s sleep. The fact that you have successfully guided two older children through this process, and that you are paying such close attention to the patterns, tells me you already have good instincts. How old is your child? Let me try to help you make sense of what you are seeing.
The 5:30 Reset Worked — That Tells You Something Important
When you put your son to bed at 5:30 and he slept straight through to 6:00 a.m. without a single waking, that was not a coincidence. That was his sleep tank finally full enough to carry him through the night without surfacing. That result is telling you clearly that he is carrying a sleep debt — that his current bedtime, even at 6:00 to 7:00 p.m., is still a little too late for where he is right now.
Yes, do the 5:30 bedtime again. Do it consistently for at least five to seven days, not just once. One good night is encouraging; a week of them begins to repay the debt that has accumulated over weeks of illness, disrupted sleep, and the difficult stretch you have all been through. Night sleep will improve first, then the morning nap, and then the afternoon nap. In the late afternoon or early evening, watch for drowsy signs and latency to sleep onset. When drowsy signs are not present and/or the latency to sleep onset increases, then the bedtime might be a little later.
The Middle-of-the-Night Chatting
The chatting and mild crying in the middle of the night, without full distress, is almost certainly what it sounds like: your son surfacing during a normal light-sleep transition and not yet having the self-soothing capacity to slide back down smoothly without fully waking. The good news is that extinction was working — the crying decreased over the first two weeks. The night wakings persisting as chatting rather than crying suggests he is getting closer, not that the method failed.
The binky during the illness complicated this, and understandably so. It is not wrong to comfort a genuinely sick child — that was the right call. But what the binky did, even briefly, was reintroduce an external prop at the moment of waking, which reminded him that something can arrive when he surfaces at night. Now that he is recovering, you are right to return to your earlier approach.
On Redoing Extinction After Illness
Yes — redo it, and do not be discouraged that you need to. This is completely normal and expected. Illness is one of the most common causes of sleep [regression is deleted] issues in children who were previously sleeping well, and a reset after illness is not starting over from scratch. It almost never takes as long the second time. His brain already learned this once. You are reinforcing an existing pattern, not building a new one.
When you restart, the same principles apply that made it work the first time: early enough bedtime to prevent a second wind, naps protected and reasonably timed, and no response to the nighttime chatting that is not genuine distress. Hunger and real illness warrant a response. Chatting and grumbling in the night, in a child who is otherwise healthy and well-fed, do not.
The Afternoon Agitation
The 2.5 to 3.5 hours after his second nap, where he cannot play independently and becomes easily agitated — that is pre-sleep arousal, and it is a reliable signal that his sleep tank is running dry by end of day. This is consistent with everything else you are describing. An earlier bedtime is the most direct remedy.
Wake Windows are Fake
Watch for drowsy signs in the midmorning and midday as your guide for naps.
The Short Naps
Because night sleep is fragmented, he wakes up not well-rested and this is causing short naps.
You Are Doing the Right Things
You are not throwing everything off. You are parenting a child through winter illnesses, which is genuinely hard, and you are making thoughtful adjustments in real time. The framework is sound. Return to the 5:30 bedtime, restart extinction consistently now that he is well, protect the naps, and give it a solid week before evaluating. The chatting in the night will most likely fade again once the sleep debt is repaid and the prop of the binky is no longer expected.
Winter is hard. Sick babies are hard. You have done this twice already and both older children are sleeping beautifully. Trust what you know. You have every reason to expect the same outcome here.
How does this sound?
— Marc Weissbluth, M.D.
Wow, thank you for your incredibly thoughtful and detailed response! This was sincerely an answer to prayers. I delayed responding until I could report on trying the 5:30 bedtime last night and it was great! He was very tired by then, having woken up from his last nap at 2:20. He went down well and then slept until 2am, when he fussed and chatted for about 15 minutes, and then without any intervention, slept again until 5:50am!! Wahoo! To answer your question, he is 8 months old and hasn’t eaten during the night since he was three months. We practiced a lot putting him down with drowsy cues etc. during the first months and at 3 months he started sleeping through the night on his own. Then traveling and sickness has had him up a lot and while he was sick I would feed him during the night. He doesn’t seem to really need it, but are there any indicators to you that I should still be feeding him in the night?
A few other questions I’ve been accumulating since your response yesterday:
Should I cap naps at all during the day?
Is there a certain amount of time I should leave before his first nap in the morning so as not to cement an early wake time? He seems to be sleepy again almost by 7 but I usually try to help him stay awake until about 8:30.
Is there a certain amount of time I should leave before the 5:30 bedtime? Like if he wakes up at 4? Or just watch sleepy cues?
He’s waking up after 45 minutes a lot of naps, after 15 minutes of crying he usually goes back to sleep, is there something I should adjust to help him with that? If he cries hard for more than 15 minutes should I let him go any longer? Or put the binky in? Or just get him up and try another nap later?
If he wakes up crying from a nap does that mean he still needs more sleep? Should I let him try to go back to sleep if that is the case?
What if he doesn’t seem sleepy for his second nap but it’s already been 3.5 hours or so, might he have caught a second wind?
Thank you so much for your time and knowledge, you are helping us all so much.
Sincerely,
Liz
Sorry, only a brief note today:
Do not cap naps.
Watch for drowsy signs; avoid fatigue signs (review this distinction in my book)
As night sleep improves, day sleep will improve; be patient.
Awakening crying indicates a lingering sleep debt.
Always try for 2 naps around midmorning and mid day based on drowsy signs.
Does this help?
Yes this is great thank you. I will review the book as well, thanks!
I’ve reviewed your book on months 4-12 now and we put our 8 month old son down at or right around 5:30 for 7 nights. The first couple night he slept almost till 6am so we just got up for the day at 6. That was a great improvement from the frequent wakings we’d had for the last couple months! Putting him down at drowsy signs and before fatigue signs has been hard but it’s getting better and he is taking two good 1.5-2 hour naps without waking up crying in the middle or at the end of them! He’s been a lot happier in the morning and midday but he’s still been pretty moody in the afternoons. So my first question is if I should stick with the 5:30 bedtime since he’s still showing drowsy and often fatigue signs before then?
My second and hopefully last question is whether or not to feed him in the early morning. After the first two days he’s woken up around 4 or 5 every day and seemed hungry, which makes sense to me because of the early bedtime. But I also know he can go that long without eating. You say in your book if they wake up around that time they’re probably soiled or wet or hungry and a prompt and quiet and dark response is good so they can get back to sleep. You also say that by 9 months they don’t need to eat at night. I’m not sure if I should just feed him while he’s going to bed early and then when he’s 9 months (in about a month) hopefully his bedtime will be later and he won’t be waking up then? Or will I have to wean him then because it’s creating a habit? Or should I just let him cry now? Thanks!!